Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
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Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Covid like
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean