Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
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Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
pls suprot
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
this country is so goddamn polarized
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.