Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
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Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.