Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
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Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Every damn time
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
A man of commitment.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet