*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.