“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
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my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.