I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
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Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota