“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
the icebreaker
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.