I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
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5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Important reminders
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
This is my bus stop.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye