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When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM