[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions