#FunnyLife Insects
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PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
the answer was staring at me all along
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby