I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Realize this:
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby