Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Don’t tell me what to do
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range