What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
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There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.