Rich people don’t understand cereal
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I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.