When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
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TEETH IS INNOCENT
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.