Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
You Might Also Like
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture