The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!