Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.