at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
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When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
this isn’t threatening at all
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”