Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
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Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Some people were born into their job.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
pizza