Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
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Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?