That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
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Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
#Caturday