A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
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I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic