*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
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excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.