It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
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My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Florida be like…
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal