I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
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ME: finally a program for me
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.