Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Home #decor warning.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
This is my emotional support knife.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka