*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
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“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.