[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
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WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas