*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?