I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.