“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
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How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
listen closely
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off