“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!