No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”