Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”