All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
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Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂