The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
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Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
whatcha thinkin bout
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Heroic Misunderstanding
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)