[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
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Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
yall want some gasoline milk
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?