The human personality is made of five key elements
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So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.