Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
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I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime