Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
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Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time