Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Current mood: Potato
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.