Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
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Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
our love story in four pictures
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
A little too much information.