“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
You Might Also Like
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
me adding lol on a serious message
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?