Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
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*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
j o i m p
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”