Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
You Might Also Like
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
How to woo a woman
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
the composer
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’