Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Who does Amazon think I am?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.