Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
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Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.